Happy three year anniversary to my activism journey🎂
TW: ED, depression, suicidal ideation
A couple days ago marked the three year anniversary of my first ever speaking engagement. When I first got diagnosed in 2017, I would have called you crazy if you’d have told me today I’d be where I am and be who I am. Having a progressive disability is hard and life after this point hasn’t been easy on me.
Following my diagnosis I failed out of college and developed an eating disorder that stopped my period for an entire summer. I developed anxiety of anyone finding out about my disability and was constantly at war with my body. I was constantly battling my fear of missing out, putting myself in bad situations that could have left me being physically and sexually harmed because a voice in my head told me I’d never know genuine romantic and sexual love. I was seeing my friends fall in love and be happy and I was envious of their present that I thought would never look like my future. Then it got better for a couple months then bad again. Before and after losing my mother to cancer in 2021, the depression and anxiety came back. I had intense anxiety induced chest pains and respiratory issues that left me paralyzed in bed for days.
Every good day was followed by 4 awful ones and it seemed to never end. The thought of being an activist never crossed my mind at the time because I was so ashamed of my disability and depressed, and sometimes I still am. If I think too long the thoughts come back. “Nobody will put up with you, you’re not worth it”. “It’s miraculous enough that you have friends, don’t push it”.
Doing activism has given me purpose through out the years, as a way to escape the hardest and loneliest moments.
I receive dms pretty often from disabled people who have felt inspired by my work, those are one of the main things that keep me going, especially when the pain from my grief makes the dark thoughts seem so comforting and rational.
I’ve accomplished a lot in so little time and im hoping I can do much more. Learning to love my disability is not a linear journey but I’m pushing through. I’m hoping my story can inspire some of you to focus on the good things that do come your way because they are there.🤍
